Welcome back to Unfiltered Diaries.
Sometimes, the hardest part about growing up isn’t adulthood itself, it’s realizing how much of your independence you were never taught to have. When the people who raised you spoke in contradictions, telling you to stand on your own but never letting you learn how and that my friend can leave you feeling lost, even years later.
Today’s letter is one so many of us could’ve written at some point: a woman wondering how to find herself when “figuring it out” was never something she was allowed to do but is finally ready to try.
Dear Diary,
How do you become independent when it feels like your family doesn’t want you to be? If you had family that pushed you to be independent by saying they don’t know why you have no friends or don’t do much but they also told you you’ll never afford moving out, didn’t let you do stuff like a drivers license or even teach you laundry and then get mad you are kinda clueless and reliant on them even as a teen for rides and stuff but they said no you’re old enough to figure it out. What do you do? When well into your 20s you realize you are kinda lost. They make fun of you for not being independent or knowing how to make decisions but actively shame you for your choices. Asking for opinions leads to the same mocking. You can’t go out too late, but no one ever gave you a curfew. It’s dangerous. Going to this or that job is shameful, aim for this career. But don’t have a long commute. Get a boyfriend but only to hang out with at your house not going places. It feels contradicting. And the thing is I’m 25 almost 26 dealing with this and I only now realize it won’t change with age.
– Irinelllig
Hey Girl,
I just want to say first, I hear you. Like really hear you. What you’re describing isn’t just confusing, it’s exhausting. Being told to be independent while being denied the tools to do so? That’s not just contradictory, it’s a setup for failure. And I want you to know something right now: none of this is your fault.
You’ve been navigating a maze with no map. One minute you’re told you should know better, and the next, you’re shamed for trying. It’s like being pushed into the deep end without ever being taught how to swim, and then being laughed at for flailing. That kind of emotional whiplash runs deep, especially when it comes from the people who were supposed to guide you.
But here’s what I need you to remember. You are not broken. You are not behind. You are becoming. You’re just starting from a place that wasn’t built to support your growth, and that’s okay. You can still build something beautiful from here.
Start small. Micro progressions. That’s the magic. Look up how to do laundry on YouTube. Try one simple recipe this week. Ask a friend to show you how to drive, or look into a driving school when you’re ready. These aren’t just chores, they’re quiet declarations of freedom. Little acts of reclaiming your life, piece by piece.
Set boundaries where you can. They don’t have to be loud or confrontational. Sometimes it’s as gentle as saying, “I’m figuring this out in my own way,” and letting that be enough. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your growth, especially not the people who made you feel small for wanting more.
And if you can, start saving, even just a few dollars here and there. Call it your independence fund. It’s not just money; it’s proof to yourself that you’re investing in a future that belongs entirely to you.
And listen, I know it hurts when the people closest to you don’t cheer you on—when they mock, question, or shame the steps you’re taking to stand on your own. But hear me, girl. You are allowed to outgrow the cage they built around you. That’s not betrayal. That’s healing. And when you are ready, I want you TO FLY, you hear me? FLY! BURST OPEN that cage, and FLY!
You’re not alone in this. So many of us have had to learn how to parent ourselves, how to unlearn the shame, how to trust our own instincts. It’s hard, but it’s possible. And it starts with believing that you deserve better, not someday, but now!
So if no one’s said it lately, let me say it now. I am proud of you. Proud of you for asking these questions. Proud of you for noticing the contradictions. Proud of you for wanting something different, because that right there is the beginning of your freedom.
I AM PROUD OF YOU!
You’re not lost. You’re just finally stepping out of the fog.
If you’re in this place too: quietly rebuilding yourself from the inside out, know that you’re not alone. There’s no shame in starting slow, in learning late, or in needing help along the way. Growth doesn’t have a deadline, and healing doesn’t follow a straight line.
Sometimes, the right story can remind you that you’re not the only one who’s had to teach herself how to live. So if you’re looking for a little comfort, clarity, or courage — here are a few books that might feel like a warm hand on your back as you take your next step.
📚 Recommended books for you
The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeannette Walls
A memoir that reads like a novel, this book follows Jeannette’s journey from a chaotic, neglectful childhood to becoming a successful journalist. Her parents were brilliant but erratic, often leaving her to fend for herself. What makes this book powerful is how she finds strength, resilience, and ultimately freedom: without bitterness, just truth
Over-Controlling Parents: Breaking Free From the Chains by Carly Richardson
A newer, short read that’s direct and validating. It dives into the emotional and psychological effects of over-parenting and offers strategies for healing, setting boundaries, and building independence. It’s especially helpful for someone just starting to name what they’ve been through and wanting actionable steps
Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor (YA Fantasy Novel)
Sunny is a Nigerian-American girl who doesn’t fit in—until she discovers she has magical powers and joins a secret society. It’s a coming-of-age story wrapped in fantasy, but at its heart, it’s about embracing your uniqueness and finding your place in the world.
The Namesake: A Novel Kindle Edition by Jhumpa Lahiri
This novel follows Gogol Ganguli, the American-born child of Indian immigrants, but it’s his mother, Ashima, whose quiet transformation is especially moving. Still, the heart of the story is about identity—how we inherit it, resist it, and eventually shape it for ourselves. It’s about growing up between cultures, expectations, and the ache of becoming your own person. The writing is gentle, poetic, and deeply human.
💌 “Ever had a moment where you felt truly seen—body and all? Drop it in the comments. Let’s remind each other what real connection looks like.”
You’re not too much. You’re not alone. And healing is your birthright. 💛
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