Torn Between Faith, Desire, and Love | Diary Entry No. 22

Welcome back to Unfiltered Diaries, where nothing is sugarcoated and every story reminds us just how messy, complicated, and beautifully human we really are.

This next diary entry comes from someone who calls herself Confused Deceiver. Her story isn’t just about betrayal—it’s about faith, pain, revenge, desire, and the tug-of-war between who we’ve been and who we long to be.

Let’s dive in.

Dear Diary,
Long story alert

I am a deceiver. This is my story of hurt turned to pain turned to revenge turned to forbidden love…

I’ve been married for over 15 years. Every step of that journey was filled with infidelity. Even the week before we got married, I suspected—and after marriage, he admitted it. After 3 years, I called him out again, and as suspected, he was having an affair. He promised it wouldn’t happen again, but that promise was comfort to a fool… me. I was the fool, ’cause there were several affairs after that.

As a Christian and not believing in divorce, I held on. My faith failed when the pain and hurt turned to revenge. It started as a click, and a virtual friendship was formed. He listened, he comforted, he understood my values and respected them. Conversation was totally platonic for one year—until that virtual friendship turned to in-person meetups.

The first time we met, he held me so tight my body responded in a way I’d only seen in romantic movies. I knew it would be trouble if we continued to meet, so to avoid any “trouble,” meetups were only in public spaces. That changed when COVID hit. I was cleared for travel, but he wasn’t—so meetups were now at his home.

I’m someone who always worked beyond my scheduled time, and my husband knew that. That was my avenue to safely spend time with him without being questioned. That innocent time together changed with one hug and an accidental kiss… That was the start of our affair.

I no longer visited once a month—it was now once, sometimes twice a week. The sex was damn good… 50 Shades of Grey sex without the bondage. It’s been years now, and though the meetups are few and far between, the sex is still mind-blowing.

I never felt guilty because I knew my husband had his share of women. But now that he’s seemingly been on good behavior for about a year, I’m starting to feel guilty about my relationship with him. I want to get back to my Christian lifestyle. I’ve tried to end it several times, but he claims I am his, and he’s only sharing me with my husband.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can definitely break up with this guy when my heart and mind and clit are conflicted 😐?

— Confused deceiver

Hey Girl,

I’m not a heavy drinker, but this one calls for a glass of wine—or two. First glance of your entry, I whispered to myself, “get the D sis” but let’s get back professional.

I feel like you’re seeking more than advice here. You’re seeking release. Not just from the affair, but from the emotional entanglement, the spiritual dissonance or inner conflict, and the identity split between deceiver and believer. You’ve carried betrayal, loneliness, and spiritual conflict for so many years. And I’ll start by saying this: I see the weight of what you’ve endured. I’m far from the one to judge you for what you think you’ve become. You are not crazy. You are not evil. You are human.

That tug-of-war between guilt and desire—that’s not easy to untangle. That question, “How can I honor my faith when my body remembers what felt good?”—I won’t pretend I have an answer for it. But I will say this: your body isn’t the enemy. Your longing isn’t shameful. It’s asking to be understood.

A couple years ago in college, I had a psychology lecturer who said something that stuck with me. She said:

Desire—especially the kind tangled with pain, betrayal, and emotional hunger—isn’t something to blindly follow. It’s a signal. A messenger. But if we obey it without understanding it, we risk letting it lead us into places that deepen the ache instead of healing it.

So instead of asking, “How do I shut this down?” or “How do I give in?”—we ask, “What is this desire trying to tell me about what I need?” That’s where healing begins.

I wonder… is this a soul tie? Are you addicted to the sex? Or is your desire saying, “I need comfort,” or “I want to feel chosen,” or “I’m aching to be seen.”
Because mama—I refuse to believe this is just about the sex. You stayed with your cheating husband for years, and I doubt you would’ve if the sex wasn’t good too. So what is it about this man that keeps you tethered? Is it the way he makes you feel chosen? Seen? Like you’re finally the one someone won’t let go of?

And then I have to ask—what made you stay with your husband for so long? What’s the cutoff for you? The moment where you say, “That’s it. I deserve better.” Do you believe you deserve better? From both of these men?

Because here’s the truth: a man, a real man who loves you, won’t share you with anyone. And he won’t give himself away to someone else either. Now, you asked how to definitely break up with this guy when your heart, mind, and clit are conflicted 😐. But I have to ask—do you actually want to end it? Because if you don’t want to, no advice will stick. And if you do… then we need to talk about what comes after.

If this ends, are you okay with what’s left? With the dishonesty that lingers quietly between you and your husband? Would you come clean once it’s over? Or would you carry the silence like a second skin?

And if you continue this entanglement—and he finds out—can you handle the consequences that come with that? Not just the fallout, but the mirror it holds up to your own choices?

What’s funny is, a small part of me—tiny, deep down—wants to say, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” But then I think… if we all did to others what they did to us, man, where would we be today?

So maybe the real question isn’t just how to end it. Maybe it’s: What kind of woman do you want to be when this chapter closes? Because you’re not just choosing between two men. You’re choosing between two versions of yourself.

I know this feels heavy. But I’m not here to weigh you down—I’m here to walk beside you. To ask the questions that help you find your own answers, because truthfully, I don’t have them all. What I do have is this: a reminder that you are worthy of a love that doesn’t split you in two.

You are beautiful. You are worthy of all the love someone has to give. And that love has to start with you—giving it to yourself first.

So say this as loud as you can and let it settle in your bones:

I am worthy!
I am beautiful!
I am the prize!
I am human!
I am not beyond redemption!
I am allowed to begin again!

Let these words be your starting place. Not just for ending what needs to end—but for becoming who you were always meant to be, as you start anew.

💌 And to the silent readers who’ve felt torn between faith and desire—what helped you find your way back to yourself? Your story might be the lifeline someone else needs.

You’re not too much. You’re not alone. And healing is your birthright. 💛
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