“What If He Sees All of Me, and Wants None of Me?” | Diary Entry No. 20

Welcome back to Unfiltered Diaries—where we get real about the thoughts we usually keep to ourselves, no judgment, no sugarcoating.

This week’s entry is about something so many of us wrestle with quietly: feeling uncomfortable in your own body and how that can affect intimacy, self-esteem, and connection.

It’s not about shame—it’s about being human. About the parts of ourselves we wish were different, the fears that creep in when someone new enters our life, and the challenge of showing up fully while still carrying old hurts.

Let’s sit with this one together. Because learning to love yourself—and to let someone else see all of you—isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.

Dear Diary,
I feel ashamed of my body during intimacy, how do I stop it from affecting my relationships and self esteem?
“I’ve only been with one guy (25 M) and he ended up telling me he wasn’t attracted to me, as a matter of fact we were only intimate a few times during our relationship. I gained 40 lbs when i was dating him because it was toxic and for many reasons.

I’m around 180 pounds but I suffer from water retention and lipedema in arms and legs so my legs are covered in cellulite and are big. I have a belly and flabby saggy arms and breats due to numerous weight losses.

I’m seeing someone new (25M) not sure if we’ll ever reach intimacy but he’s super fit and petite, like my legs are 3 times his. I hate my legs and arms because they have fat creases..this affects me because we’ve only met a few times, connection is good for now but the thought of him seeing me naked disgusts me..also I’m gonna crush him since he’s small. I always wanna cover my body and wear large stuff. We’re supposed to meet soon but I feel so uncomfortable”
– sourdaiquiri58

Hey Girl,

First off, let me say this loud and clear: that old guy? Trash behavior. Telling you he wasn’t attracted to you after barely showing up emotionally or physically? That’s not a reflection of you—it’s a reflection of his own limitations. You didn’t lose anything by losing him. You gained space for someone better.

Now, about this new guy. Ask yourself: do you actually like him, or are you just hoping he’ll like you? Because if you do genuinely like him, it might be worth sharing your fears. You don’t need to give him a TED Talk on body image, but a little honesty can go a long way. Men aren’t mind readers (shocking, I know), and sometimes they’re just waiting for permission to be kind.

Trust me when I say I feel your concerns in my soul. I’ve stood in front of the mirror tugging at clothes, wondering if my thighs were plotting a mutiny. That guy who said he wasn’t attracted to you? That’s his preference. And also? His loss. You’re not a buffet for someone to pick and choose what they like. You’re the whole damn meal.

Let’s talk cellulite. It’s not a flaw—it’s biology. Women’s bodies are designed differently. We store fat differently. Our connective tissue is built differently. What you’re calling “fat creases” are just the marks of a body that’s lived, stretched, grown, and survived. That’s not shameful—it’s powerful.

And if intimacy ever happens and he turns out to be judgmental or dismissive? You don’t owe him your vulnerability. You don’t owe him your body. You owe yourself peace. But if he’s kind, curious, and respectful? Let him see you. Not just your body—but your joy, your humor, your softness, your strength.

Also, let me just say: I’m heavier than you. My husband is slim, active, and couldn’t care less about cellulite. I’m convinced he thinks I’m freshly baked bread. I’ve never “squashed” him—though let’s be real, sometimes I do roll over like a majestic sea lion and he’s still breathing just fine. If anything, he’s honored to be under me. (I kid… kind of. 😉

Honestly, I spent years worrying about my body; I’ve got cellulite, curves, stretch marks, a mom pouch and a man who still looks at me like I’m dessert. He just showed up and loved me in full. Now I just worry about what’s for dinner. That kind of love taught me something: the way we see ourselves isn’t always how others see us. And sometimes, the person who needs convincing isn’t them—it’s us.

The hardest part? Softening the voice you use on yourself. Would you say these things to your best friend? Would you look at her and say, “You disgust me”? No. So why do it to yourself? You don’t have to call your body beautiful today, if you aren’t ready to. But you can call it normal. You can call it worthy. That’s a start.

And now, hon—go meet this guy. Don’t overthink it. Wear something that makes you feel like a ray of sunshine, even if it’s just your favorite oversized tee with a little lip gloss. Be you. The you who laughs too loud, who overthinks sometimes, who’s learning to love herself in real time.

You might be surprised how the night ends. Maybe it’s just a good conversation. Maybe it’s a spark. Maybe it’s the moment you realize you’re not as “unlovable” as that old voice in your head keeps whispering.

Whatever happens, you showed up. And that’s already a win.

📚 Resources to explore

No Body’s Perfect: Free Worksheets on Body Image & Mental Health

Watch this: How Self-Esteem + Body Image Impacts Young Girls

Watch this: Transforming Negative Body Image with Self-Love

👉 The Connection Between Self-Esteem & Body Image: A Counseling Perspective

💌 “Ever had a moment where you felt truly seen—body and all? Drop it in the comments. Let’s remind each other what real connection looks like.”

You’re not too much. You’re not alone. And healing is your birthright. 💛
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