I Love My Sister, But I Hate How She Parents — Now What?

You ever witness something in someone else’s household that makes you stop and go, “Wait… is no one else seeing this?” That’s where today’s entry takes us—a behind-closed-doors kind of situation that’s not abusive or loud, but quietly unsettling. What happens when two kids in the same home are raised with two totally different rulebooks? What does that say about how race, guilt, and parenting intersect—especially when adoption is involved?

This one’s messy, raw, and full of questions that don’t have easy answers. But it’s worth sitting with.

Welcome back to Unfiltered Diaries—where the feelings are honest, the names are changed, and the judgment is left at the door.

Dear Diary,
Sooooo I can only say this anonymously because I don’t know how else to release it. I absolutely HATE the way my sister parents.

For context, we are white. She adopted an African American little girl and has one biological daughter. The entire family treats both girls the same—no difference to us. But for my sister? It’s clear as day that she sees them differently. And not in the way you might expect.

Fairy (her biological daughter, who’s white) is 13. She has curfews, rules, no dating, no piercings—you know, the standard strict suburban structure. But Doll (her adopted daughter, who’s Black) is 12 and is basically being raised with zero boundaries. She stays out late, goes to the movies without a chaperone, and get this—for her 12th birthday, my sister let her get her tongue and navel pierced. I cannot make this up even if I tried.

It bothers me. A lot.

Not because I want Doll to be punished or controlled—but because the imbalance is glaring. Kids need structure. They need consistency. And I can’t help but wonder… why does my sister struggle so much to enforce boundaries with her Black daughter? If they’re both her children, why does she expect more from one than the other?

To make it worse, there’s no male figure in the home. Fairy is super introverted. She never expresses discomfort—just stays cooped up in her room. I can’t shake the feeling that she feels forgotten or overlooked because she plays by the rules while her sister keeps pushing them.

Is this racial guilt playing out in real time? A twisted form of overcompensation? Is my sister trying so hard not to be a “strict white parent” to her Black child that she’s neglecting what parenting is supposed to be—loving guidance?

I don’t want to overstep. But I’m also tired of biting my tongue when I see this imbalance growing wider and wider.
So… should I just mind my business here?
– Anonymous

WWhew. This one’s tough. And it’s valid. All of it.

First, thank you for caring this deeply. It takes real heart to notice when something feels off and wrestle with it instead of looking away.

Now, let’s talk about the real thing that’s happening here: unbalanced parenting masked as good intentions.
And unfortunately, yes—there’s a high chance that your sister is parenting from a place of internalized guilt, fear of being “too strict” with her adopted daughter, or wanting to be seen as “the cool, understanding parent.” But when rules only apply to one child, that’s not grace—it’s confusion. For both kids.

Doll isn’t going to grow up thinking her freedom was love—she’s going to see that no one thought she needed structure. That she didn’t need guidance. That she was allowed to run wild while her sister had expectations. That’s not empowerment—that’s abandonment in disguise.

And Fairy? She’ll either shut down further, believing that being “good” means being invisible, or she’ll eventually snap—emotionally or behaviorally—from watching her sister live without limits while she’s stuck in the box.

So should you say something?
Yes—with care. Not with judgment. Not in a “you’re a bad mom” kind of way. But in a “Hey, I’ve noticed something that worries me, and I love these girls too much not to bring it up” kind of way.

Try questions instead of accusations:

“Have you noticed the girls being treated differently lately?”
“Do you think Doll is ready for that kind of freedom at 12?”
“Do you worry that Fairy might feel overlooked?”

If she gets defensive, back off—but plant the seed. Because parenting isn’t about being the same with every kid—it’s about being fair. And fair doesn’t mean no boundaries. It means loving accountability, for both girls.

And to be honest, I do think you’re slacking just a little as an aunt (no shade!)—only because you could be a closer source of structure for the girls. Friend them. Become what each is missing—think of yourself as the free therapist they didn’t know they needed.

Take Fairy out. Let her open up a little. Doll too—she may look bold, but that much freedom at 12 comes with its own silent fears.
Because here’s the hard truth: I’m not sure your sister’s going to change. Old folks are harder to shift—HA… jokes jokes (kinda).

But if you are there, showing up consistently, pouring into them quietly, intentionally… one day they might say:

“Because of my aunt, I didn’t go down that path.”
“Because of my aunt, I knew I was worth more.”
“Because of my aunt, I felt seen.”

Listen to them. Don’t judge them. Keep their secrets. Guide them gently.
And don’t give up on your sister either. There’s something deeper going on with her—I can’t quite put my finger on it—but it’s real. And like the rest of us, she might just need someone who cares enough to see her too.

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